Dear family and extended pack mates,
The time for action is now. There is a decades-old injustice in this town, and we canine folk must help right it. My beloved Aunt Trixie, that bright-pink and well-informed poodle with an attitude, has been hammering away on her keyboard (emphasis on “hammering”) and churning out the Angry Poodle Barbecue column for The Santa Barbara Independent for 210 years (or three decades in human time!) yet has never been crowned “Best Columnist” by the voters of this burgh. This must change, and 2017 will be the year to do it.
Of course, Trixie would be the last one to support such organizing on her behalf. She is, after all, an angry poodle. But justice demands our proxy. Politicians and business owners alike fear her, for she is a titan of the Santa Barbara media landscape and a howling example of the Fourth Estate done right. Of course, it is never going to be easy when squaring off against the likes of a witty and raucous word wizard like Starshine Roshell, but square off we must.